The Sound of my Aura

keep it down
my eyes roar at me when i finally close them
the cool sheets granting a brief distraction from the bright blue light inside my head
    tentatively opening one eye, the action reveals nothing
       thick haze
          a fog that has mysteriously crept into my room and surrounded my bed

why open them at all?

     my ears itch, swollen with latex foam
          a different pleasure, silence, sweet relief

i lift a lid, once more, to test my world, my will
     damp watercolors in gray
       tissue blots against blinding white paper walls
i'll try again in an hour
keep it down

Sometimes my head hurts so bad that I wish it would explode and the pain would stop. 

I don’t really want it to of course, but the thought is still there. 

I'm so frustrated today.

I can be doing really well, eating the right things, avoiding the wrong ones, and doing everything possible to be migraine-free, and STILL I can’t avoid the hormones. 

They’re like snipers, attacking when I least expect it.

I can almost sense them lurking in the background of my brain, and then “swoosh”, the aura slides into my left eye, and I know I was right.  It’s like living with a little rain cloud hanging just within your field of vision, and going everywhere you go.

I’ll do something normal, like put headphones on to listen to music while I work (like I do everyday), and I don’t know if it’s the sensation of the sound waves hitting my skull and carrying through or what, but suddenly it’s like a hurricane is building in my skull and I can’t get the headphones off fast enough.  Why?  Why is it an acceptable thing most days, and then suddenly it becomes an instrument of torture?  I don’t understand.

I once read an article talking about a theory on the way that migraines form in the cerebral cortex.  They described it quite aptly as a storm brewing there, and then moving to the different parts of the brain.  Scientifically, I have no idea if it was accurate or not, as this was some years ago and I am in no way a medical professional.  However, it rang true to me at the time, and the article has come back to my mind many times over the years. 

I feel like my whole life is being lived like I’m in the lull before the storm, and there’s no weatherman.